Positive Thinking!

At some point in our lives we all look at the world with a pre-set attitude or focus that we set ourselves which alters our view of things in our day to day lives. Let’s split them into two categories: positive and negative thinking. For example, going into a first date thinking ‘Ugh, this has got to be what, my 50^th date?’ and assuming it will turn out bad like others have done, will set you up for failure. Going into the date thinking ‘This one could go well!’ and feeling excited about meeting someone new will open you up to a whole other level of things to find, some of which may even surprise you. Those little niggling things your date may do, like slurping their water, may just be due to their nerves, but your negative thinking is a pre-set attitude for failure which makes you jump on it, thinking they are a terrible date. This will most likely bring about you rejecting them quicker. Waking up and something going wrong so you say ‘I hate today!’ and then you find there are other bad things that happen in your day. It is not the day’s fault, it is you finding those bad things because you have put on that bad attitude when you got up. Likewise, for those of us who are superstitious, the 13^th of every month. Of course you will end up finding bad things or having bad things happen to you on the day if you are frightened they will happen. You being cautious is much more likely to bring about bad events such as clumsiness, forgetting something or being late to something. The day itself is not making those things happen to you, it is most likely your behaviour. Try shrugging off the little negative things that happen – burnt toast, tripping over your hairdryer, over sleeping so you need to rush – and think ‘No matter, let’s get on with my day!’ Being positive can allow you to be happier and be the best ‘you’ you can be. 

In relationships, I have found this negative thinking typically happens more often in females than males. Our emotional thinking and dramatising of a situation allows us to pick up on every negative thing our partners do. Males are typically much simpler. Their emotional range is usually a lot lower, so their focus is less driven by emotions, and the extent of their thinking about a particular subject is usually a lot lower; they spend less time dwelling on things.

I found a great example of this on http://www.esselmancounseling.com/:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed but he didn’t say much.  I asked him what was wrong. He said “Nothing”.  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.  On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly and kept driving.  I can’t explain his behaviour.  I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too”.  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly and watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep.  I cried.   I don’t know what to do.  I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Motorcycle won’t start…can’t figure out why.

Let’s take a look at her negative thoughts:

She assumed he was upset that she was late

He wasn’t talking to her much

She assumed he was lying when he said nothing was wrong

He didn’t say I love you too

He was being quiet and watching tv, seeming distant

He seemed distant when he came to bed, and fell asleep without talking to her

She assumed his thoughts are with another woman

Her life is a disaster

And now let’s look at the positive actions she didn’t focus on:

He wanted to meet her for dinner, and showed up on time

He gave her no grief for being late

He assured her he wasn’t upset, and nothing was her fault, she had no need to worry

He smiled when she said I love you, it pleased him, concentrating on driving

He relaxed in front of the tv with her

He came to bed shortly after she left the room, choosing to be in bed with her rather than staying up alone

It is clear in her diary that she is focusing on all the tiny negative things that happened between them. As she thought about it more, focused on them more, she saw them getting worse and worse, until she had convinced herself something was very wrong. She dramatised. His reassurance that nothing was wrong, nothing to do with her and that he wasn’t upset is a highly positive reaction. It seems she almost ignored this entirely. His smile when she said I love you is a positive response she could have felt reassurance by, rather than over thinking and seeing it as a small smile, rather than seeing a smile. She could remind herself of his past behaviour and affections of love. Of course this is not true in every situation, but in this one it is clear there was never anything wrong, he was just preoccupied. 



Negative thinking from either or both partners can bring about many problems in a relationship, so be forgiving of your partner’s little mistakes. Focusing on the bad things will only bring about more bad things. Everybody slips up occasionally, forgets something important to their partner, snaps at them because they are in a bad mood. We all do it. Try and focus on all the good they bring to you. Instead of thinking ‘he hasn’t moved over to cuddle me like he normally does, something is wrong’, maybe focus on what you might have missed – for example he may have walked in and the first thing he did is kiss you on the head. The first thing he does is give you affection. He missed you, he loves you, and now he needs a bit of space to wind down after work. He has chosen to be with you, like you have chosen to be with him. Find reassurance in the fact he is still there, still sharing his life with you. Notice his body language. If he is annoyed at something breaking, perhaps stomping around a little, but then he comes and joins you on the sofa, that’s a positive thing. He’s choosing to spend time with you, even when he’s in a bad mood. Perhaps if we all try to think more positively, and focus on the positive aspects of our relationships and be more forgiving of the negative, we’ll find we actually do have a very happy, healthy relationship :) 

K xx