The maths of love

Love, what a new topic, I know! It is my favourite as you may know by now. We have a new contributor to the blog, how cool! It does not mean I won´t be writing of course I will, I love this! So tell me what you think. Nerea

Something that has always stuck with me is the idea of ‘the one’ - what does that mean, exactly? Is there some totally perfect person out there for each of us, that we are destined to meet at some point in our lives? Romantic comedies and dramas tell us ‘the one’ is entirely possible. Some people literally spend their lives depending on this concept, and determinedly strive to find it by the time they reach 30. There is so much pressure people put on themselves to find that one perfect person, those list of ideal characteristics about their ideal person that they need to tick off because they believe it will make them happy. I don’t believe that is a realistic way to live, and statistically, it’s highly improbable. Think of the endless failed first dates, the people you throw away because they are too short, too fat, too skinny, too quiet, too chatty – because they don’t meet your desired requirements of the ‘perfect’ person for you. How are you supposed to know what is perfect for you until you find it?

As usual I have been reading a lot of Brain Pickings’ posts on Facebook, and came across an article about a fascinating book which may shed some light on this bizarre ideal of ‘the one’. Randall Monroe explores this idea in his book ‘What If?’ using a scientific and mathematical approach to try to come to a realistic conclusion. He says:

‘We’ll assume your soul mate is set at birth. You know nothing about who or where they are, but — as in the romantic cliché — you’ll recognize each other the moment your eyes meet.’

He goes on to explain his reasoning for believing the concept of finding ‘the one’ is unrealistic -

‘The number of strangers we make eye contact with each day is hard to estimate. It can vary from almost none (shut-ins or people in small towns) to many thousands (a police officer in Times Square). Let’s suppose you lock eyes with an average of a few dozen new strangers each day. (I’m pretty introverted, so for me that’s definitely a generous estimate.) If 10 percent of them are close to your age, that’s around 50,000 people in a lifetime. Given that you have 500,000,000 potential soul mates, it means you’ll only find true love in one lifetime out of 10,000.’

But that doesn’t mean he’s saying we should lose hope. It just means we should abandon the unrealistic pressures we put on ourselves. Relax. Date with unrelenting optimism, open up and get to know people. Without the impossible dream of one perfect person, we open ourselves up to an infinite number of perfect people. Why not take a chance on someone you may have thought ‘imperfect’ before – you never know, it could turn out they like the exact same films as you, have the same lifelong dream of settling down with three kids and a nice house and a dog, have the same morals, or anything. People are fascinating. Every person is different in their own way, and should be appreciated and respect for those differences without being put into a characterised box.

I believe every person can find love. I also believe it can come from the most unlikely circumstances or situations (possibly because you’ve made them ‘unlikely’ to you because of your list of ideal characteristics!) It can find you. I met my partner a few years ago on a night out which I didn’t want to go on. I’d have much rather stayed in, curled up in my pajamas eating chocolate and watching some awful rom-com. But my housemates dragged me out, I got a drink at the bar and turned to find them and BAM. There he was. We literally walked into each other, spilling our drinks all over the both of us. We laughed, we chatted, and we’ve seen each other nearly every day since.

My point is, you are amazing just as you are. And so is everyone else. Slow down, notice those special qualities in every person you meet, and you never know. You could just find yourself finding someone who makes you laugh at that list of ideals you used to have. 

K xx  

Image 1 copyright: Munroe 2014

Image 2 copyright: Munroe 2014

Image 3 copyright: mydatingsocial.com